B.S.-itis

 5-15-2011         

          There is an epidemic, poisoning the world’s population through ease, entertainment, and often cowardice. This condition is usually hereditary, often vexing to those who don’t think they are infected, and it evaporates 15% of the brain capacity. This terrible condition is called Tauren Fesitis or, in the common tongue, B.S.-itis.

B.S.-itis is a serious disease. For centuries it has caused civilizations to become wild; to foam from the mouth with lies; to pick each other off one by one using ruthlessly ridiculous methods such as exploding bubble-gum; to write 5 page essays on how 1+1=2!

In some cases, being infected by B.S.-itis has been known to be fatal. In 1695, Sir Francis Bacon was overcome by a fancy to experiment with the capabilities of snow preserving meat. He buys a chicken, has it killed, and endeavors to stuff the fowl with snow. In his endeavor, the bird never froze, but Bacon did. He died 2 or 3 days later from sever pneumonia.

            B.S.-itis evolved from large cities, devoid of roses to stop and smell. Bad air and the ticking of time-pieces enter their victims through the eyes, ears, nose, and toenails. Inside your body a chemical reaction takes place and the two substances form into a chemical called white-lye. The chemical enters the bloodstream and runs right up to the brain, moving into the sensibility-lobe, connected to the behavioral-nerve which our little lye dams up; controlling every bit of signal with their iron-lye friends (which ones cause a whole other condition called sarcasm that originated from boredom in the ancient days). Once the chemical affects you, it remains in your genes, and it is more than likely that the epidemic will continue to plague your future generations. As a result, there are very few people alive today that do not have some degree of B.S.-itis.

            Symptoms of this epidemic range everywhere from chin-potato-chip-eating, to gluing one’s hands together. Specific symptoms include laughing 5 minuets after a joke is told, blowing your nose at the dinner-table, making kissy-faces in any reflective surface, and pounding headaches haunting those around you. If you have ever taken the vowels out of words while writing OR talking (i.e. srry), than you ARE infected, and should immediately take action in treating the cause. Despite being such an old disease, there are not many proven therapies for B.S.-itis. Theories are under-going constant testing, but presently your best chance would be to purchase yourself a large, frilly top hat. If unable to do so, your other option is to take a long cold shower with the biggest encyclopedia you can find, a cat, and four cups of marjoram bark (other supposed treatments exist, but stand to be more vulgar and unpleasant). But, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN. If B.S.-itis goes left un-treated, it is highly possible that you will be seized by the iridescent world of politics and/or be quarantined from all humanity.

            One of the most extreme cases of untreated B.S.-itis today is the unfortunate, Lady Gaga. Infected at birth, Tauren Fesitid mutated, rather than matured, the child into adulthood. Today, she takes advantage of her handicap, putting it to use on the stage, winning the hearts all her fellow mutants. Her extravagant fashion sense and eccentric songs about phone-calls and poker, place her as a proud role model to every other soul burdened with the horrid epidemic. She reported after the Gammy Awards, February 2011: “I don't remember very much... I know it was fun. I do remember being called 'Drunky GaGa' at some point...” and in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” rally in Main she said: “Shouldn't everyone deserve the right to wear the same meat dress that I do? Repeal 'don't ask, don't tell' or go home.”

                However, if this medical wonder does not treat her symptoms, within ten years the white-lye in her brain will take over completely and studies estimate it will cause her to eat many expired foods. No amount of brushing and gargling will be able to cure the stench her breath will take on.

                As unavoidable as this epidemic is though, there is still hope for a normal life. Take things slowly and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Treat your body and mind well and they shall treat you the same. Rushing, panicking, and apathy will feed bad behavior, whereas ‘fighting’ those things will save yourself and others a lot of trouble. You could consider not wearing a watch, or in other cases getting a watch. Consciously don’t over-think obvious things like 1+1=2, and take off the long, stripped toe-socks you wear to bed. If we can’t be normal on the inside, at least we can appear normal on the outside. Take a stand against B.S.! Save the Whales!